Fears that arise in intimate relationships

More recently in my work I have repeatedly been reminded about the effects of unresolved and unconscious fears from childhood that cause recurring difficulties in intimate adult relationships.

The good news is that through conscious awareness (as is the aim of this piece) and with a desire for change and the help of interventions, resolution can take place resulting in healthy, intimate relating.

Two primal fears that arise in one’s early years of life, that if left unattended to, (unconsciously) negatively affect adult relationships:

- The fear of being abandoned (losing the other)

- The fear of being engulfed (losing oneself)

These fears arise in all of us at some time or another, but when they become so overwhelming that they affect our functioning they become problematic and cause havoc in relationships. Usually one fear predominates in intimate relationships.

Healthy adult relating is the capacity to commit ourselves to another without becoming terrified of being abandoned if they pull away or by the fear of being engulfed if they get too close.

What should be remembered is that the fear that one feels in a relationship is not just about that partner and that experience. It is in fact a re-enactment of very deep, longstanding, early let down that has never been acknowledged and healed. It seems that until one does so, they continue to attract people who re-enact this dynamic. The names and faces change, but it’s not before long that the dynamics are exactly the same as before.

Since the origin is our wounded inner child, the discomfort, fear and pain is irrational and may resemble overwhelming discomfort or dread- as was once a reality when we were completely dependent on another.

Ways that the fears play out in adult relating:

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that re-enact one or both of these fears and other times we find ourselves in relationships that allay these fears.

When a fear is stimulated we get an opportunity to resolve it or we become more engrained in it and continue to repeat it.

The truth is that an adult cannot be abandoned- only left, and cannot be engulfed- only crowded. A mature adult will communicate these feelings to their partner and find respectful ways to alleviate them. But until the terrified inner child is acknowledged and healed enough it runs the show and acts irrationally.

“You know a relationship matters to you in a healthy way when you are willing to act over the awkwardness of the small but scary steps that lead to change.” Richo

The opportunity that life gives us is the choice to expand ourselves…or not. Expansion leads to growth as a person, in relationships and ultimately more joy. Consciously why would we live any other way?????

Live inJOY!

Be inJOY!

Lance