Fears that arise in intimate relationships

More recently in my work I have repeatedly been reminded about the effects of unresolved and unconscious fears from childhood that cause recurring difficulties in intimate adult relationships.

The good news is that through conscious awareness (as is the aim of this piece) and with a desire for change and the help of interventions, resolution can take place resulting in healthy, intimate relating.

Two primal fears that arise in one’s early years of life, that if left unattended to, (unconsciously) negatively affect adult relationships:

- The fear of being abandoned (losing the other)

- The fear of being engulfed (losing oneself)

These fears arise in all of us at some time or another, but when they become so overwhelming that they affect our functioning they become problematic and cause havoc in relationships. Usually one fear predominates in intimate relationships.

Healthy adult relating is the capacity to commit ourselves to another without becoming terrified of being abandoned if they pull away or by the fear of being engulfed if they get too close.

What should be remembered is that the fear that one feels in a relationship is not just about that partner and that experience. It is in fact a re-enactment of very deep, longstanding, early let down that has never been acknowledged and healed. It seems that until one does so, they continue to attract people who re-enact this dynamic. The names and faces change, but it’s not before long that the dynamics are exactly the same as before.

Since the origin is our wounded inner child, the discomfort, fear and pain is irrational and may resemble overwhelming discomfort or dread- as was once a reality when we were completely dependent on another.

Ways that the fears play out in adult relating:

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that re-enact one or both of these fears and other times we find ourselves in relationships that allay these fears.

When a fear is stimulated we get an opportunity to resolve it or we become more engrained in it and continue to repeat it.

The truth is that an adult cannot be abandoned- only left, and cannot be engulfed- only crowded. A mature adult will communicate these feelings to their partner and find respectful ways to alleviate them. But until the terrified inner child is acknowledged and healed enough it runs the show and acts irrationally.

“You know a relationship matters to you in a healthy way when you are willing to act over the awkwardness of the small but scary steps that lead to change.” Richo

The opportunity that life gives us is the choice to expand ourselves…or not. Expansion leads to growth as a person, in relationships and ultimately more joy. Consciously why would we live any other way?????

Live inJOY!

Be inJOY!

Lance

Where in the world are we? And what in the world can we expect in the coming months?

Background check

As we all know, everything in the world has a cycle; the moon, the seasons, birthdays, the tides etc. Similarly, the years also have cycles.

According to numerology (the ancient study of numbers), we can look at the numerical number of the year we are in and determine the themes that will be strongest during that year. There are nine numbers in our number system (all numbers are made up of 1-9) and the cycle repeats itself every nine years. Numerology has found that each number has specific attributes or themes. Furthermore, since we live in a world of contrast there are positive and negative themes of each number. Since we are active participants in our reality with free choice, we can, through awareness, choose to identify with the positive or empowered states of the numbers and invite those influences into our lives. We can also transform negative influences into positive through intention and action.

Where we are now

We are currently in 2012. This means that we are in a 5 year (2+0+1+2=5). The diagram below shows how the influence of the 5-year began last July (2011) and reached 100% this month. So we are now under the strongest influence of the 5.  As we move away from this July, the influence of the 5 begins to wane and the 6 (2013) slowly starts to influence our world. The strength of the 5 will continue to be felt until the influence of the 6 begins to take over after January 2013.

The positive themes of 5 include; adventure, reinvention (of self), living our truth, finding new ways of doing things, new ways of thinking about old things, questioning, rebel, maverick, movement (travel, career, home, place etc.), change, jumping out of the box, freedom.

If we were to summarize the number five in one word it would be ‘CHANGE’.

Now, if one is unaware of the influences of the 5, or is in a negative space, the following negative themes of the 5 may be experienced; chaos, confusion, anxiety, mental anguish, unfocused, deception, restlessness, ungrounded, impulsive.

Perhaps this explains what has been going on in our lives and in the world in general and is still doing so. Ultimately, it’s your choice- you can identify more with the + or the – states. Like I often say, “ Awareness brings choice, choice brings power, power propels change, change brings JOY”

Everyday brings opportunities for change…. choose joy. Focus on what’s right not on what’s wrong. Remember, whatever you focus on, you get more of!

Live inJOY why don’t you!

Be inJOY

Lance